Abstinence
A charming notion that youthful sexual cravings can be restrained through moral teachings. This author can attest that controlling sexual urges is like trying to control addictions to alcohol, drugs, and Anderson Cooper 360º. It probably can't be done, so why try? Planned Parenthood was happy to whack the abstinence fish on the head a long time ago, "We are not going to be an organization promoting celibacy or chastity." (Faye Wattleton, President, Planned Parenthood, Los Angeles Times, 17 October 1986)
Assault Weapon
Anything with a barrel, trigger, and bullets that makes that loud BANG sound. While no Assault Weapons can legally be sold to civilians, it's a handy term used for anything with as much firepower as a Salad Shooter.
Back Alley Abortions
The only option for women who don't have "Choice," Back Alley Abortions are performed by the lowliest of men (never women) with the most limited of medical knowledge (could be a lumberjack for all you know), in the most unsanitary conditions (you pray it isn't the men's room at Fat Frank's Gas 'N' Gyros). See also, Abortion on Demand and Choice.
Book Reviews
When it comes to Right Wing books, there are two kinds of reviews: non-existent and non-read. Non-existent reviews are those by the MSM which ignore that a conservative best-seller even exists or simply "reviews" the author's intent or mental state without reviewing the actual book, "Without the total package, Ms. Coulter would be just one more nut living in Mom's basement." (David Carr, New York Times, 12 June 2006) Non-read reviews can be found on Amazon and Barnes & Noble where Liberals can pile on the writings of Mark Steyn, David Kupelian, Mark Levin, Michael Medved, Dick Morris, Laura Schlessinger, Mona Charen, Jonah Goldberg, Jerome Corsi, Burt Prelutsky, etc., without ever having read a single word. Here's an example:
"Bernard Goldberg's book is another typical rant from the Right, devoid of facts, filled with lies, maligning and mean-spirited, trash from and for the brain dead. I picked-up the book out of curiosity, barfed, set the book on fire, and stormed out of the library. I'm sure the closed-minded KKKonservatives will slurp up this sewage." (Nolo Trippen* on A Slobbering Love Affair: The True And Pathetic Story of the Torrid Romance Between Barack Obama and the Mainstream Media, 2009)
*You didn't expect me to actually read it, did you?
Correct Thinking Individual…
"There's so much right-wing crap on the best seller list these days. It's great to see a book that you might want to put on your shelf and let your respected friends see you actually reading." (Chris Matthews, MSNBC, 17 September 2009)
Boy Scouts of America
Misogynist, homophobic, pseudo-fascist (they wear brown shirts) organization that hands out "merit" badges. See also, Competition.
Deist
When people insist the United States was founded on Biblical principles, counter that some of our Founding Fathers (FFs) were deists. Deists believe in God with a small "g." Small-g god created the universe, wound it up, cut it loose, and now watches as it careens toward cold, inevitable death. I picture god noshing a tub of metaphysical popcorn, enjoying the cosmic car wreck, not lifting a finger to help our pathetic lives (and if you knew my sister, you wouldn't blame him). Think of the deist god as being a force of nature, or an otherworldly energy, or how you feel when you're really stoned. Were all of the FFs desists? No. Did the deist FFs say suspiciously Christian things? Yes. Did the deist FFs revere much of the Bible and quote it? Yes. Knowing that the country was founded by Christians and Bible-reading deists, can we still claim the U.S. was not founded on Biblical principles? Works for me.
Eugenics
A concept that people can be bred with certain preferred qualities while undesirable traits are removed through scientific breeding. Eugenics is concerned about perfection, about weeding out such distasteful traits as wrong thinking, weakness of character and thought, habitual tendencies to substance abuse, criminal behavior, homelessness, and poverty. Modern eugenics is different from the fascist version. Think of it as Master Race Lite where a man and a woman (or other combination) can design the perfect baby:
The bearing: Regal
The skin tone: Bronze
The looks: Stacy Keibler or Hugh Jackman
The health: Pentathlete
The intelligence: Mensa
The character: Progressive
With careful planning, couples will be able to select the child of their dreams…and with even more careful planning, the government will be able to select the couples that are allowed to select the child of their dreams. Remember, there is no "you" in Eugenics.
Every Cloud…
…has a silver lining. This is the kind of smiling, wide-eyed, Pollyannaish doltism one hears from Conservatives when things aren't even close to being perfect. Correct this phrase with, "Every silver lining has a cloud. A dark, ominous cloud that tramples on basic civil rights, trashes the constitution, and is caused by global warming."
Family
Any combination of women, children, men, and animal companions; may also include house plants, Star Wars collectibles, imported cheese — who am I to judge?
Fetus
Best thought of as just a slew of cells up to and including full term (9 months to 18 years). Despite having the complete genetic code (DNA) of the individual at conception (DNA that is unique to that individual and will never be repeated), the fetus still can't drive, vote, or operate heavy machinery, so it is not really a viable human life any more than your unwanted parent in a retirement home. Using "fetus" skirts having to use emotionally charged words like "child," "baby," "son," or "daughter." The terms "accident," "my bad," and "oopsy" can be used instead of "fetus."
Correct Thinking Individual…
"The fetus, given the opportunity to develop properly before birth, and given the essential early socializing experiences and sufficient nourishing food during the crucial early years after birth, will ultimately develop into a human being." (John Holdren, Human Ecology: Problems and Solutions, 1973)
Hippie
Archaic. The modern term is "tenured professor."
Hollywood Blacklist
Embarrassing episode in U.S. history where extremely talented individuals couldn't come up with a rousing equivalent of "Give me liberty or give me death," or "I have not yet begun to fight"; instead we got, "I'll take the 5th." Many of the blacklisted were forced to labor under abhorrent conditions using pseudonyms and living in Paris. Their shame was never soothed, no matter how many Oscars they won nor how much Charouce and Cristal they consumed.
Liberal Man
When a Conservative asserts that "Liberal Man" is an oxymoron, point out that what a Conservative sees as weakness, a Liberal sees as cerebral. This is why a Liberal Man's favorite film isn't Die Hard, but First Wives Club; his favorite song isn't Born To Be Wild, but Wind Beneath My Wings; his favorite book isn't The Bible, but Yentl's Revenge: The Next Wave of Jewish Feminism. While a Conservative Man might break down and cry at losing someone to disease or war, a Liberal Man isn't afraid to get misty at an amuse-bouche.
Moral Equivalency
A handy tool for teaching that no system is better or worse than another. For example: a Church bake sale in Poughkeepsie is the same as Christian girls drugged and sold as sex slaves in Pakistan.
Pacifist
Someone who nobly takes matters of peace into his or her own hands: shutting down businesses, obstructing traffic, torching property, and physically accosting those who are unenlightened about how peace works.
Separation of Church and State
This statement doesn't appear anywhere in the founding documents, but I like that if you say something is there often enough, people believe it. The actual text is, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof." But so what? Since most people think that's what the Constitution says, this can be used to ensure that no entity that receives a penny of government monies can mention Christ, the 10 Commandments, the Beatitudes, the Apostles, Nativity Scenes, The Easter Bunny, St. Patrick's Day, or anything else that someone like me chooses to find offensive.
70s, The
Polyester, disco, and the smiley face could not stop this from being the decade when Democrats once again held all branches of government by getting Jimmy Carter elected president. Sure, Carter made a few tiny boo-boos, like setting the stage for the Ayatollah Khomeini in Iran. There was that hostage crisis thing where the Tehran Embassy and 52 Americans were held for 444 days. There was Carter's boycotting of the 1980 Moscow Olympics because the Soviets invaded Afghanistan. There was double-digit inflation (or, double-digit banana, as Alfred Kahn called it when asked not to use the "I" word), double-digit interest rates, high unemployment, and labor strikes. But in my mind, Carter's only real mistake was slighting Speaker Tip O'Neill on inauguration tickets.
Sexual Harassment
Any physical, verbal, or metaphysical advance that the receiver finds sexual and unwanted: hugging, eye contact, compliments, smiles, opening doors, etc. Sexually harassing phrases include:
"You look nice today."
"Did you see the game Friday night?"
"I'm sorry your brother's in the hospital."
Tattoo
Archaic. The new term is Epidermis Enhancement.
Wrong Thinking Individual…
"I don't think there is a single savage people that does not tattoo." (Professor Cesare Lombroso, Popular Science Monthly, April 1896)
That's so Gay
Unfortunate aphorism bandied about by today's youth when something seems, well, gay. Attempts to compel the use of, "That's so straight," have failed.
We Can't…
Preface that, along with "it will never work," can bring even the most attainable goal to its knees. Examples:
1) We can't drill our way out of the oil crisis.
2) You can't keep kids from having sex.
3) The U.S. can't build a missile defense system because it's impossible and, if it succeeds, even though everybody knows it can't, it will make other countries hate us even more than they already do, even though, as everybody knows, it's impossible.
